Today I’m sharing some ways to explain divorce to children. Full disclosure, I was married for 9 years, separated for one, and then we got amicably divorced. That said, divorce is never easy, and telling children can prove a challenge. In this article we’ll discuss how to explain your divorce in the best possible way.

It doesn’t matter whether a couple has been married for several months or several years, nobody ever prepares for divorce. If we look at traditional values, marriage is for life – but that is not always the case.

Couples can just drift apart, (as in my case), while other reasons can result in the need to file for divorce. For a couple with no children, the experience and process can be relatively straightforward as they are the only ones involved. However, when there are children involved, things become far more complicated. So keep reading for tips on ways to explain divorce to children.

How to Explain Divorce to Children

Whilst family lawyers can help handle the formal divorce proceedings, it can be difficult to know which way to turn when it comes to explaining the separation to your kids. However, there are certain approaches you can take to ease the impact and make things easier for them.

Let’s delve in…

Decide on When and Where You Will Tell Them

It’s really important that you choose the right time and place to tell them. Children need to feel safe, and that means that the best place to tell them is usually in the family home. They’ll feel comfortable here and more confident to express their feelings.

As for the time, you should attempt to do this at the weekend or during holidays. This will give them time to process the information without having to worry about going to school. Where possible, avoid important holidays such as Christmas or birthdays as the news will upset them.

Tell Siblings at the Same Time

You might have children that are years apart in age, or they might be close, but telling them together is vital. If you explain divorce to children individually, this could cause issues with trust because they’ll ask why one was told before the other.

The other thing you want to avoid is one sibling finding out from the other. However, when you tell them together, they will feel as though they have support. They’ll feel comfortable knowing that they are experiencing this news collectively. 

Never Blame Each Other

One of the most common things during a divorce is for one party to blame the other. This is a challenge if one is to blame for the separation. The reality is, children don’t necessarily need to know the reasons or truth behind it. So keep it simple when you explain divorce to children.

This is because they won’t know or understand the complexities of marriages and the challenges that couples face. All they will focus on, is the news that you are splitting up and this will cause them to experience a range of emotions. 

You should look to make it sound as if it is a decision that you have both mutually agreed on, even if it isn’t the case. This will mean that neither of you can be blamed for the divorce by your children.

Don’t go Into Detail

It can be tempting to explain because that’s what we do as adults, but this is not necessary. They don’t need to know that you are speaking with family lawyers or the reasons behind the separation. So keep it simple when you explain divorce to children.

Regardless of how challenging or difficult the period has been for you; you need to protect your children. The aim should be to keep it simple and to explain to them that they are going to still have two parents who love them very much.

Speak to Them In a Language They Understand

While you shouldn’t go into detail when you explain divorce to children, it can help to give them some explanation as to why this is happening. One of the first questions they will ask is “why?” and this is your chance to clear this up.

Again, avoid the blame game but look to keep the explanation as general as possible so all children can understand. So, discuss how you tried very hard to make it work, explain how you might want different things from life and how you want to be friends.

The many reasons for a divorce are complex and are considered adult problems, so don’t expect your children to be more mature than they are.

Explain That it is not Their Fault

It is common for children to blame themselves for the separation of their parents. They might think that there was something they did that caused this and they might take responsibility for it. 

You need to deal with this from the off, because they need to know that it is an adult decision. Perhaps tell them that you are sorry it has happened before explaining that it has nothing to do with them. 

Reassure Them

Children can become unsettled when it comes to divorce. They might worry that you will no longer love them whilst spending time apart and maybe wonder where they will live. 

You have to reassure them that things will stay as normal as possible. Explain how you will both still be in their lives and how you still love them. This reassurance can help them to understand that the divorce is not going to mean they no longer see the parent they won’t be living with, or how your joint custody arrangements will work.

It’s worth deciding this in advance, if your children can’t or won’t have any input, or asking your child(ren) to take some time and thing about where they’d like to live.

Tell Them That you are Always There for Them

The initial conversation, when you explain divorce to children is just the beginning for your child. Just because you have told them, should not be the end of the matter. Some children might take it well and then realise the severity days later, so you need to be there for them.

Let them know that you are there at any time. Whether they have questions or are sad, giving them confidence that you are there will really help them.

Brace yourself for the emotional rollercoaster – this is a HUGE change, and you will almost certainly see some behaviour changes over the coming months.

Make it as Simple as Possible When you Explain Divorce to Children

Divorce is not just a challenge for adults because children can often take it hard. If you spend time explaining the situation and enable them to see you are there for them, it can make a difference.

Don’t assume that because they’re children and don’t fully understand, that they will brush off the news. Take a considered approach using our tips and make the process as simple as possible. This post on maintaining a healthy parent – child relationship after divorce may be worth a read too.

Please be advised that this article on ways to explain divorce to children is for general informational purposes only, and should not be used as a substitute for advice from a trained legal professional. Be sure to consult a lawyer/solicitor if you’re seeking advice on the divorce. We are not liable for risks or issues associated with using or acting upon the information on this site.