Where’s My Head At

I haven’t written any personal blog posts for ages. The main reason for that is the fact I have been really struggling emotionally. Between sleep deprivation, tantrums, meltdowns, the pressure of finding Sam the right school and life in general, my head has been mashed.

I have been struggling physically too recently. I fell and put my back out, so lifting and carrying the kids has been a nightmare. Hubby is also struggling physically at the minute, as he has suspected carpal tunnel syndrome in both wrists. Basically, life has been one huge ball of stress, and I have been in “woe is me” mode for months. I have spent my time trying to plod through each day and done the minimum to keep us ticking over.

The kids are both at that stage where they don’t listen to a word I say, and they take great pleasure in running off in opposite directions at any given chance. This has made it impossible for me to take them out together without an extra pair of hands to help out. The Summer Holidays meant lots of our usual activities were off the agenda anyways, and the rubbish weather made it hard to get out as much as I’d have liked. In between all of that, I have been to see our GP and been prescribed some anti depressants. They seem to help but are making me even more exhausted than usual.

Last week saw Syd start nursery. She did her settling in sessions, and today she stayed from 1pm til 5pm. Syd’s going to be doing 3 afternoons a week, which means I get some very much needed 1-1 time with Sam.

Today, we dropped Syd at nursery and headed to Heaton Park. We stopped at the Pavillion cafe by the lake, and Sam literally jumped for joy to be there. (We can only usually visit at the weekend when Hubby is able to come too).

Next up, we went to the Temple, which is the highest point in the park – just to the right of Heaton Hall. We sat here for ages, admiring the view, and throwing a stick for a dog. Sam gave me huge amounts of eye contact, and I spent ages talking to him about what we could see. This probably sounds really trivial to most people reading this, but it is the first time in ages I have had some 1-1 time with Sam. Usually, he has Syd fighting for my attention 24/7. While we were sat there looking down on Manchester, and Saddleworth Moors in the distance, I realised just how lucky I am.

Don’t let the tranquil shot above fool you though… The usual Batman shenanigans were going on as well! The alarm on the Temple building started going off, so I had to ring security to alert them. Someone came out to turn it off, only to find an electrician inside trying to check the wiring! OOPS!

Next, Sam ran around to the back of the Temple. I followed him round, only to spot a very loved up couple canoodling on a blanket. What did Sam do…? He ran over to them and tickled the woman’s feet!! Yep. I wanted the ground to swallow me up right there and then! I apologised frantically, and carried Sam away! Once we got down to Heaton Hall, Sam spent ages sat on the floor watching the shadows moving as the trees swayed. I was telling him how shadows worked, when he pointed up at the sky & said “BLUE”! I may have cried at that point (once I’d repeated it back to him, praised him and given him a huge hug)!

Once we got home, I made tea & as I put his tea on the table, I am 80% sure Sam said “Sisey” (which is how Syd says Sydney)! I explained she was at nursery & he seemed to accept that. I went to collect Syd later on, and she was playing happily with some of the kids, and didn’t want to leave! I was told she had been really good, except at nappy change time! On the walk home, Syd kept saying “nursery… friends” – I’m so proud she has settled in so well at nursery.

Both kids are now asleep, and I am crossing everything that things will improve now Syd is getting space to be herself, and Sam is getting 1-1 time with me too. I definitely think splitting their nursery sessions was the right thing for us as a family, even if I still don’t get a break.

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